The Turnabout Maneuver
by devilbk
Summary: It begins with a typical argument. It ends the way too many arguments usually do. It begins as Lenny and ends with a hint of Shenny. This is now a multi-part story. If you believe that Leonard Hofstadter is the perfect male specimen this is not the story for you.
1. Chapter 1

_The characters don't belong to me. The ideas do._

"Are you ready?"

"I'm not going."

"What do you mean you're not going?"

"It's a simple statement. I'm not going."

"It's important."

"It's not."

"It's part of my job."

"I'm tired of having to dress up for you."

"But you look so nice."

"I feel like a frakkin' trophy."

"You're not a trophy. Believe me you're not a trophy."

"You keep dragging me to these things that I have no interest in. Every freaking night!"

"They're a part of my job."

"I don't understand anything those people are talking about."

"Well, whose fault is that?"

"They don't have the same interests as me."

"You might try paying a little more attention."

"I see no reason to pay any attention that stuff. It doesn't mean anything to me."

"It's important to me. That should be enough."

"Well, I think it's time we started talking about children."

"I'm not there yet."

"When will you be?"

"Aren't you happy with the house? It's got a white picket fence just like you wanted."

"It's not enough."

"Well, maybe it's time you thought about getting a different job."

"I'm waiting for the right opportunity."

"And in the meantime you're living off me."

"We're married. That's what's supposed to happen."

"I'm not so sure that's right. Now get dressed."

"You never do anything I want to do."

"I have work. I have a career to pay attention to."

"The last time I had an event you didn't even show up."

"That was just a night out with your friends."

"You used to enjoy that."

"You know damn well I had to prepare for work the next day."

"You know, I'm starting to regret saying yes to you."

"Not half as much as I regret proposing to you."

Penny walked out of the room and called her sister.

"He's doing it again."

"Maybe you need to finally do something about it."

"You're right."

"The limo's here. I'll call you later."

When Penny got out to the limo she took out her cell and punched 73 on speed dial.

"Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper."

"Hi, sweetie."

"Hello, Penny."

"Doing anything?"

"Is he being a child again?"

"Yup."

"And you were wondering if I was available."

"If Amy doesn't mind."

"That's not a problem anymore."

"What happened?"

"Apparently Amy doesn't appreciate the social aspects of me being a Nobel Prize recipient as much as she thought she would. Or the travel. She doesn't like leaving her monkeys. She dumped me."

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry."

"It's alright. Solitude is the burden of genius."

"Well, can I interrupt your solitude for the evening?"

"Certainly."

"I'll be there in a few. Excuse me, driver, we need to make a stop."

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

"Hello, Penny. You look very nice."

"So do you. I think maybe I married the wrong physicist."

"At the time I was taken."

"Yeah. Sheldon, is there anything you can do for Leonard? He's been driving me crazy since they fired him."

"I tried to convince the university that I no longer held a grudge but they felt very strongly that his manipulation of my original results in the Arctic was endemic of other possible academic misbehavior and preferred to not have someone like him on the faculty."

"He's not handling my success very well either. He can't understand why I don't want to just stay home and have his kids."

"Penny, you finally have the success you always sought. You've worked very hard. You're on a successful television program. You're making films. You're doing commercials. You are achieving your dreams just as I am. You know Leonard never really believed any of that would happen."

"Yeah. I should have realized he was really only interested in what he wanted. I should never have gotten back together with him."

"Why did you?"

"Partly it was because I was drinking a lot. Partly it was because I kept falling for his _puppy dog please fuck me_ look."

"But if I recall the coitus wasn't even that good."

"I know. I was such an idiot."

"I believe there may be something I can do for him."

"Really?"

"There is a research project at the South Pole. It would be just him, alone for a year, but afterwards he would likely be able to garner a teaching position somewhere."

"You'd do that?"

"Only if you promise to do what you should have done a long time ago."

"You've been speaking to my sister."

"We have something very important in common."

"Okay. You do what you need to do. I'll start the ball rolling on my end."

"Alright. Now let's be off to the premiere of _The Silmarillion_."

_A few days later_

"I got a job offer."

"Great, sweetie."

"You might not like it."

"Why?"

"I'll be away for a year."

"That's nice."

"That's nice?"

"I have a going away present for you."

"You _knew_ I was leaving?"

"I had a feeling something would come up."

"What's my present?"

"The house is now in your name."

"That's very nice of you. Does that mean you're finally going to have my children and let me be the man of the house."

"Hey, you're welcome to be the man of the house. I just won't be in it. I'm divorcing you."

"You can't do that."

"I've already spoken to my lawyer. It's essentially done. And according to our pre-nup you get exactly what I decide to give you. That's the house. I've arranged for it to be maintained while you're gone. When you get back, it's on you."

"Where are you going?"

"We bought a place that's more appropriate to my career and needs."

"I knew you were cheating on me."

"I wasn't, Leonard. Not ever. That's more your style."

"Then who is that "we" you're talking about."

"Sheldon and I will be sharing a house. At the moment that's all we're sharing but we both hope that in time, when we've both gotten past the toxic relationships we've been stuck in, that we'll find room for each other. Goodbye, Leonard."

_A/N: Just something that popped into my head. I always thought that Leonard's fragile ego would never be able to handle Penny's success if she achieved it, especially if it dwarfed his. Enjoy and trust that I am still working on the other stories I promised._

_Zarneckies, beware. Anonymous flames will be deleted unread. Negative reviewers who don't allow me to respond will be blocked, exposed and reported for harassment._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: I honestly did mean this to be a one and done. And even though I got a few follows expecting more and a couple of reviews asking for more I was perfectly happy leaving it as it was to continue working on the two other stories I am literally in the middle of. But then one of the Leonard-worshipers had to go and say something. And I know I shouldn't be reading anything written by these cretinous, cowardly bullies but I did and it pissed me off. And since I know that I've pissed them off I've decided to see how far I can take this. However I'm not going to let it delay my other stories. Let's see how well this works._

**2**

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

"Hello Penny."

"I did it."

"What did you do, Penny."

"I served Leonard with divorce papers and moved out."

"I'm proud of you."

"Sheldon, I kind of need a favor for a few days."

"Anything."

"Can I crash on your couch?"

"Wouldn't you prefer to stay in a hotel?"

"Actually, I'd rather be with my friend. And, honestly, you look a bit down. Amy dumping you must really hurt."

"Penny, I need to apologize. I may have mislead you."

"I don't understand. Did Amy not dump you?"

"Oh, Amy Farrah Fowler did indeed sever our relationship. However, it was in response to me throwing her out of the apartment."

"Sheldon, why would you do that?"

"As you know, I was recently in Switzerland lecturing for two weeks at the Cern Super Collider. Amy Farrah Fowler took advantage of my absence to discard all of my action figures, statuary, toys and comic books."

"I thought the apartment looked a bit empty."

"This was completely without my knowledge or permission."

"What did she say when you asked her about it?"

"She said it was time I grew up. So I requested she depart never to return. On her way down the stairs she hollered that she was breaking up with me, I assume in an effort to save face."

"Oh, sweetie. Come here."

Sheldon approached Penney and she drew him close in a hug.

"There, there. Would you like a hot beverage?"

"Penny, as this is my home, I believe that it is my duty to offer you a hot beverage. I assume that ending your marriage must be somewhat upsetting."

"Actually, not so much. It's a little liberating. I'm kind of glad to get out of that stupid little house."

"I can imagine. That house is actually smaller than this apartment."

"Don't I know it? But Leonard insisted that we live on his salary. He had to be the breadwinner. The only thing he let me do was actually buy the house."

"Leonard is unwilling to accept your success and the perquisites that come with it."

"That and his ego is threatened by a wife who out-earns him by a factor of millions. Sheldon, I kind of said something to him on the way out to be mean and it sort of involves you."

"Penny, what did you say?"

"I told him that you and I us bought a house and that while at the moment we're only sharing we were both hoping it would turn into more once we got over our broken relationships."

"You lied to him."

"Yeah. The thing is…"

"What, Penny?"

"Sheldon, ever since I said it I keep thinking it's a good idea."

"That we should purchase a home and live together in hopes of one day pair bonding."

"You make it sound so romantic."

"Actually, Penny, it's a fairly practical idea."

"You're kidding."

"I'm not. We both have significant funds sitting in the bank doing very little for us. A real estate investment would make sense."

"You'd be willing to share a house with me?"

"I would not be comfortable living in a house alone. I enjoy your company. We already attend events together several times a month because our former significant others were not willing. However, I do not wish to live in a house such as the one in which Leonard forced you to reside. Even with an additional bedroom it would be too small. I would prefer some space."

"You're willing to leave this apartment?"

"I'm finding that my memories of living here with Leonard and more recently with Amy Farrah Fowler are not very pleasant. And since she removed the items that made it mine I see no reason to remain."

"Sheldon, one of the guys on the show told me about a place that I think might be perfect. It has lots of room, enough space so that if we didn't want to deal with each other we wouldn't have to."

"I hardly see that as a selling point but I would be perfectly willing to look."

"Sheldon, it's not that close to Pasadena. You might have to finally learn to drive."

"Penny, one of the advantages of my stature is that when people wish to see me they typically send a car for me. I could certainly make a similar arrangement with the university at this point. When can we see the house?"

"Let me make a call."

The next day Penny drove Sheldon out to Woodland Hills to look at the house.

"Penny, this isn't a house. It's more of a mansion."

"It kind of is, isn't it?"

It was a Spanish-style structure with a red tiled roof, and a light brown façade. There were five bedrooms, two of them master suites with their own bathrooms, a large living room, a dining room, a gigantic eat-in kitchen, a theater, a game room, a couple of rooms on the main floor that could be offices, maid's quarters, a completely finished basement the size of both of their old apartments at 2311 N. Los Robles, a gym, a swimming pool, a hot tub and a pool house that was bigger than the house Penny had been sharing with Leonard.

"Sheldon, I love it."

"I find it is quite attractive. I certainly enjoy that there is room for guests. Our families could come to stay. For very short periods of time."

"I want to make an offer."

"Penny, please allow me to review everything and determine our strategy."

"I don't want to lose it, Sheldon."

"We won't. Let's speak to the realtor now…"

"Sheldon, wouldn't it make more sense to go directly to the seller. I know who they are."

"Alright. Make an appointment for tomorrow. I will review our finances tonight and compare like sales in the area and the history of this property. By tomorrow's meeting I shall arrive at what I believe will be a reasonable offer."

Two days later Penny and Sheldon owned a house.

As Penny watched Sheldon pack up Apartment 4A she thought out loud.

"You know, Sheldon, that's a pretty big house. It's going to take a lot to keep it clean. Even more to keep it to your standards."

"I'm aware. I don't quite relish the task."

"I have another idea."

"Alright."

"We should hire someone to run the house for us. They could live in the pool house. They could interview and organize a cleaning company, someone to prepare meals, maybe a driver for both of us that's on call…"

"That will be an expense but it does make some sense. You say that as though you have someone in mind."

"There's a woman I've run into at a few auditions and she had a couple of small roles on the show. We've gotten a little friendly and she was doing exactly that kind of thing until recently when the folks she worked for moved east."

"I'd be happy to interview her."

"Her name is Nora. Nora Glass."


	3. Chapter 3

**3**

_A month later_

Sheldon was satisfied with Nora Glass's credentials and she aced the interview. He never saw any other candidates. As Sheldon and Penny moved their possessions into the mansion Nora moved into the pool house. Together they purchased new furniture and supplies for both residences. Though they lived separately they spent almost all of their time together and Sheldon and Penny became fast friends with their employee.

"Penny, why are there workmen in the game room? And why am I not permitted to inspect their work?"

"Nora and I have been working up a surprise for you, sweetie. It's sort of a housewarming present."

"It's a bit unusual for one to give a housewarming present to one's self."

"True, but in this case it makes sense. It'll be ready tomorrow. Come sit out by the pool with me."

"I'm still not happy with you spending so much time in the sun. You are risking a melanoma."

"I'm wearing sunblock. And you can stay under the umbrella."

"Alright."

"So, Sheldon, are you happy with our new home?"

"I believe I am thus far. However, I do believe it needs to reflect our personalities a bit more. I regret that Amy Farrah Fowler saw fit to discard virtually everything that reflects my own. I shall at some point need to discuss the matter with Stuart. And I'll be happier when our home is a bit less trafficked."

"They'll be gone after today. And we'll have our friends over next week to celebrate."

"That sounds acceptable. However, our cohort of friends seems a bit reduced with Leonard away and Amy Farrah Fowler unwilling to socialize with us. Who will be coming?"

"First, if I never see Leonard again it'll be too soon and I'm inclined to shove action figures of the entire Justice League right up Amy Farrah Fowler's tight ass if I see her again. But, I'd like to see Howard, Bernadette and Raj, for sure. I was thinking of also inviting Stuart and maybe your old assistant Alex. How does that sound?"

"I would be quite satisfied to share our home with them. Wouldn't you like to invite some of your colleagues from the show?"

"You know, I see those people at work and at required social occasions all the time. For now I'd rather keep it to family. I'm sure that at some point, since we have space to entertain, I'll want to do a thing for folks from the show and you'll want to do a thing for science-y people. It's sort of an obligation but we'll try to make it as painless as possible."

"I agree that our status now comes with social obligations that I once found much more distasteful. However, being able to share them with you makes them much more palatable, possibly even enjoyable."

"Thank you, sweetie."

At that point, on the other end of the pool the glass door to the pool house slid open. The glare from the glass made it difficult to see. Then Sheldon and Penny heard a splash.

"Must be time for Nora's afternoon swim."

"Penny, I must compliment you on finding Nora. She is a wonderful person and a valued confidante."

"And you love that she's a comic book fan."

"It's nice to have someone to share that with. I appreciate that you try, Penny, but I also know that it isn't really a serious interest of yours. And Nora has been very helpful in arranging the temperature controlled storage for our collections."

"Well, we have the space and I really didn't see much need for a giant humidor. We don't smoke and even if we did we wouldn't smoke cigars in the house."

"Indeed."

At that point Nora finished her laps and exited the pool near Penny and Sheldon.

"Penny?"

"Yes, Sheldon."

"Nora isn't wearing a bathing suit."

"No, she isn't. She's really pretty hot isn't she?"

Nora was, in fact, naked. She and Penny had similar body types. Nora was a bit more muscular, darker in complexion and had dark hair, grey eyes, and a different but still lovely smile.

"Considering she just exited the pool and isn't wearing any clothing I would assume she might be a bit cool."

"Sheldon."

"Hi guys. Beautiful day isn't it?"

"Nora, I think Sheldon might be a bit uncomfortable with the nudity."

"I'm sorry. I guess I just wasn't thinking. It's just so beautiful and it is so private back here. Would you prefer I get dressed, Sheldon?"

"It's not absolutely necessary, Nora. Just please remember to put a towel down before you sit on the furniture."

"Sheldon, I'm a little surprised."

"Why, Penny?"

"Not very long ago a naked woman would have sent you running. You'd be halfway to Pasadena by now. You almost seem to almost be enjoying the show Nora is putting on."

"Penny, when you lived across the hall from me I surmised you were trying to determine how little clothing you could wear around me and Leonard. While you were married to him you were a bit more circumspect, primarily because of his ridiculous jealousy. We have lived together for nearly a month and I am almost certain you would much prefer to walk around as completely naked as Nora is."

"Okay sweetie. First of all, when I lived across the hall I was definitely doing that and it was mainly for your benefit. And if you don't have a problem with it I'll wear whatever I please. I think I'll take a naked dip right now. And feel free to do the same, Moonpie."

"I prefer not."

"Nora, would you like to play in the pool with me?"

"Actually, I really should get dressed and check on the final status of the game room."

"Darn. Well, I'm going in anyway."

Penny stripped off her bathing suit and jumped in the pool. A little bit of the backsplash hit Sheldon.

"I believe you did that on purpose, Penny," Sheldon called out.

"I believe that I did, Sheldon," Penny called back.

Wrapped in a towel, Nora approached Sheldon.

"Sheldon, I really am sorry if I made you uncomfortable."

"I was more surprised than uncomfortable, Nora. I expect such behavior from Penny."

"I won't do it again."

"Nora, you may technically be our employee, but in a short time I have come to feel that you are our valued friend and a member of our family. This is your home as well as ours and if you prefer to swim and tan _au natural_ I have no objection as long as you are circumspect, wear sun block for your safety and use towels as I requested. I also would not mind it if you mentioned these activities in front of certain of my associates. I will point them out to you."

"I see. You would prefer some people believe we reside at _Moonpie's Harem_."

"Even though Penny abuses the privilege, only my Meemaw is permitted to call me Moonpie. However if t-shirts labeled _Moonpie's Harem_ were to be made for our guests I would not object. I prefer that some people's impressions of me be challenged. And if Penny's former husband were ever to be here I would encourage not only mentioning those activities."

"You don't like her ex very much, do you?"

"I believe that Leonard Hofstadter did not appreciate the talented jewel that he had in Penny and saw her only as a decoration to wear on his arm and trophy to show off to jealous colleagues. He was completely incapable of dealing with her success. He sought to dampen her light and quiet her song. He had little to offer but wished to shine brighter than her. He is an idiot."

"Sheldon, have you ever told Penny that?"

"Not in those words, but Penny is well aware of how I feel."

"Can I give you a tip?"

"You may."

"Whether or not Penny knows, I know for sure she'd like to hear how you feel as often as possible."

"Nora, as you well know, Penny and I are committed to growing closer. Our former significant others did us both a great deal of damage. And they sought to damage our friendship. We need to shore that up before we can move beyond it. We both need time."

"Sheldon, you guys don't need to work towards love. It's there. I can see it. I can feel it. It's almost overwhelming. I think what you guys need to do is admit it and just let it happen. I've got a front row seat and this is a show I definitely want to see."

"Nora, I understand. But you must understand that I was in that very seat for the mistake that was Penny and Leonard. I saw almost every step and it pained me. Penny is much more fragile than she lets on. She has spent years with a man who sought to convince her that he was her only option for happiness. And even as she had success after success he was waiting for her to fail and that thought is constantly in the back of her mind. I will wait until I know she is ready, until she tells me she is ready."

"You're ready now, aren't you?"

"Possibly since the moment I met her. I merely took a detour. My love for her has been constant."


	4. Chapter 4

**4**

_The following morning_

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

"I'm awake, Penny. Come in."

"Good morning, sweetie."

"You're awake rather early."

"I couldn't sleep. I need to show you something. Come downstairs with me?"

"Of course."

When they got downstairs, they met Nora, who was waiting.

"Close your eyes and come with me, Sheldon."

"Please don't throw me in the pool."

"I would never do that again, sweetie."

They guided Sheldon down the hall and into the game room.

"Okay. Open your eyes."

"Oh, my."

Sheldon's eyes grew wide.

The wall he was facing had the largest video monitor Sheldon had ever seen. Below it, embedded in the wall were a variety of game consoles. Nora explained that they were all wired up to hard drives containing duplicates of the games that Amy Farrah Fowler discarded and were set up to download any updates or new games that became available. The game controllers were wireless and cushioned swivel chairs were set up in the center of the room.

"We have extra chairs and controllers stored in a hall closet so you could actually have quite a large group playing at any time."

"I'm impressed."

"Sheldon, you should probably look at the rest of the room."

Sheldon turned and his mouth dropped open.

The three remaining walls of the room were filled with display cases. The display cases were filled with action figures and statues, duplicating and actually exceeding those that Amy Farrah Fowler had discarded.

"There is no way I'm letting my Moonpie live without his stuff. Your toys and action figures and statues are who you are, Sheldon. That stupid cow had no idea who you are."

"Penny, thank you so much."

"Well, it was kinda my idea but I couldn't have done it without Nora and Stuart. Me and Nora designed the room and it took Stuart a while to get everything. Howard and Raj helped too because they helped us remember what was there."

Sheldon barely heard what Penny was saying. He was running around the room checking everything out.

"You've organized them all by team and genre."

"Yeah, that was me."

"Thank you, Nora. But you've taken them out of their packages."

"Sheldon, we know you prefer that collectibles stay packaged. The drawers below the cases contain duplicates of the displayed figures, still in their packaging. This way you can actually play with them."

"Penny, I didn't get you anything."

"Sheldon, this is for both of us. I want you to know that I respect who you are and what you like and I like it too. I did a similar thing in one of the other rooms with my Care Bears and Hello Kitty stuff. But this room is special. Come over here to the doorway."

The door to the room had a sheet over it. Sheldon assumed it had been left by the workers.

Nora pressed a button over at the sound system and a recorded drum roll began. Penny pulled the sheet aside revealing a plaque on the door that read:

**DR. SHELDON LEE COOPER'S**

**HALL OF JUSTICE**

A tear fell from Sheldon's eye.

"This is the best thing ever. I love it."

Sheldon gave Penny a big hug and didn't want to let her go.

"This must have cost a lot."

"It doesn't matter. The smile on your face makes it worth it."


	5. Chapter 5

**5**

Penny and Sheldon scheduled their housewarming for the following Sunday. They asked their friends to refrain from bringing gifts but insisted they bring themselves and swimwear.

Penny and Sheldon decided that rather than hire a caterer, they'd have an old-fashioned barbeque. Sheldon looked forward to preparing some good old Texan meat dishes. Nora and Penny, mostly Nora, took care of organizing the ingredients for the side dishes.

When it was time to determine the beverages Penny found herself in a quandary. Though she still consumed her customary glass of wine when she got home from work, she found that she'd been drinking less and enjoying it less since she started living with Sheldon.

"Nora, I'm not sure what to do about alcohol. Our friends aren't really big drinkers. The lush in the group was probably me and I kind of would prefer to move away from that. You don't drink at all, do you?"

"Nope."

"Why? Is it because you don't like it?"

"No, I like to drink. Probably a little too much. But I kept waking up without any memory of the night before and too often with people I didn't remember from the night before. I finally figured out it was a problem. So I got help."

"Do you think I have a problem, Nora?"

"Do _you_?"

"For a long time I probably drank at least two big glasses of wine every night. Probably for years. When I got home to Leonard the first thing I'd do is have a drink. He usually had one ready for me. And then he just kept pouring."

"He was probably taking advantage of your problem. Did he ever say anything?"

"He'd make a snide remark now and then but he'd still have it ready for me. He'd still keep the house stocked."

"Typical enabler."

"I think it's probably because I'm easier to get in the sack when I've had a couple."

"Good to know."

"What?"

"Nothing. Like I said, do you think you have a problem?"

"Well, since I dumped Leonard and moved here I've been drinking a lot less."

"Do you feel like you need it?"

"Not really."

"Do you like it?"

"It's what I do."

"What about Sheldon?"

"He doesn't like alcohol. His father was a drunk. From what he tells me a mean drunk."

"I mean does he like you drinking?"

"No. I don't think he does."

"And you're in love with him?"

"You don't think you're crossing a line here?"

"I wasn't aware there was a line, Penny. Is there?"

"No. I don't want there to be."

"So back to the question."

"Yeah. I love him."

"Not the answer I was looking for."

"Okay, I'm in love with him. At least I think I am."

"And is drinking going to help you figure that out?"

"Probably not."

"Then why drink?"

"Good question."

"So if I only put out soda and juice for your friends will that be a problem?"

"No. It'll probably be a good thing. Nora, how do you stay sober."

"I don't drink. I go to meetings, probably not as much as I should. You're welcome to come with me if you like."

"You know my schedule."

"Even with that we can figure something out. Do you want me to?"

"Yeah. I think I do."

"I'm glad. So who all is coming to this shindig?"

"Well, there's Howard and Bernadette. They're married. He's an engineer and an astronaut. She's a microbiologist. I kind of introduced them to each other when Bernie and I worked at The Cheesecake Factory."

"And you're still friends. So that's good."

"Yeah. I guess it is. I haven't really spoken to them since Leonard."

"Well, you have been busy."

"True."

"Who else?"

"There's Raj. He still works at CalTech with Sheldon. Kind of shy but better than he used to be. When I first met him he literally couldn't speak to women unless he was related to them. Or he was drunk. And he was an obnoxious drunk. He 's better now. Stuart you met at his comic shop. Then there's Alex. She used to be Sheldon's assistant but now she works with him and Raj. She had a thing for Leonard a long time ago but she got over it before anything happened. To be honest, I kind of wish something had. It would saved me from a bunch of crap. But then again she would have had to deal with the asshole and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And I really do like her."

"Sound like a nice bunch. So no alcohol."

"Nope."

"None in the house?"

"I'm not sure we need to go that far. But if you think we do…"

"Let's play it by ear."

_Next: The Housewarming_


	6. Chapter 6

**6**

The Sunday of the housewarming came and Penny and Sheldon loved showing their friends the new house. Once Howard, Raj and Stuart saw the Hall of Justice it was almost impossible to get them to leave that room. They started playing Halo with Sheldon and Penny finally had to actually turn off the power to the room to get them to go out to the pool where the food was.

"You guys can go back and play later, when the sun goes down. Until then you will either hang out by the pool with the food or in the pool with the rest of us. Yes, Sheldon we are all wearing sunblock."

The boys sadly trudged out to the pool and found Bernadette, Alex and Nora playing in the pool with a beach ball. Penny quickly joined them.

"Thankfully they're wearing their bathing suits," Sheldon observed.

Howard's, Raj's and Stuart's eyes grew wide.

"Sheldon, what exactly are you saying?" asked Howard.

"When we don't have guests Nora and Penny tend to forego bathing suits when they are in and around the pool. At first it was only Nora but Penny now seems to prefer that state. They do, however, always use a strong sunblock."

"Beside the point, Sheldon. You live with two incredibly beautiful women who prefer to walk around with nothing on and you seem to be complaining about it."

"In fact I have no complaint. Though Penny does seem to bump into me quite a bit when she is in that state of undress. I sometimes wonder if there may be a connection between nudity and clumsiness. And I do wish however that the two of them would stop inviting me to join them in that state."

"Sheldon, you know that Penny is into you."

"I am aware. And I am "into her" you might say. However, as we are both still recovering from the termination of longstanding relationships, I am unwilling to enter into another one so quickly. And neither is Penny. We have discussed it."

"So you and Penny aren't…"

"Having coitus? No. We have separate bedroom suites."

"What about Nora? She's really hot?"

"Nora runs the house and manages some other aspects of our lives. Technically she is our employee but we view her as a valued confidante and friend."

"So nothing is going on with her either?"

"As Nora's private life is not my concern, I have no idea what may or may not be going on with her. Much of her time is spent with Penny and I when we are not working."

"Speaking of working, you haven't been at the university so much lately, have you?" questioned Raj.

"I have set up a very nice office here at home and I am remotely connected with the CalTech mainframe. If they require my presence they can send a car for me. When I offered the administration this arrangement in exchange for my continued relationship with the University they seemed quite happy to accept it. The have a Nobel Prize recipient and I have the ability to do my work. Everyone wins."

"But you're still lecturing and attending social functions."

"It's a necessity. I've come to actually enjoy some of it, especially when Penny is able to accompany me."

"We noticed that you seem to accompany Penny to her things quite a bit also."

"We enjoy each other's company. I've discovered that some of the people she works with can be quite interesting. And if we respond to the invitations quickly we are often able to garner preferred seating at premieres. I've also been promised a set visit for the next _Star Wars_ film."

"So you're actually happy."

"I believe that I am. And I believe Penny is also."

_Meanwhile, in the pool the girls had stopped throwing around a beach ball and were just talking_

"So what's living with Sheldon like, Penny?"

"Actually, it's a big improvement over living with Leonard, Bernie. I prefer it."

"Really, I thought you might miss married life."

"Bernie, I was living Leonard's idea of married life, which wasn't a lot of fun."

"Still, you must have been a little surprised when he ended things."

"Is that what he's been telling people?"

"Well, yeah. He's been saying that you thought your career was more important than family so he decided he had to move on."

"Of course Leonard would think it was all about him. That's not what happened. I ended it and Sheldon encouraged me do it."

"But you were always so in love with Leonard."

"Not so much, Bernie. When I asked him to marry me I was in the worst place I had ever been in my life. My career was going nowhere. I was drinking all the time. It was terrible. I was actually surprised he said yes so I went ahead with it. I was kind of hoping you might talk me out of it. God knows Sheldon tried."

"I really thought it was what you wanted."

"I guess at the time I did, too. I probably should have figured out there might be a problem when Leonard told me he expected me to stop going to auditions and I said I wouldn't."

"Yeah, that was when Sheldon went to Texas for a week."

"Well, the two of us living with Sheldon was never a good idea, especially knowing how he felt about things. And when we fought he ran. The thing was that fighting with Leonard over being able to keep auditioning put a fire back in my belly that hadn't been there for a long time and that's when I actually started getting all those roles. Leonard really hated that. He was hoping that failure would get it out of my system."

"He must have really hated that you used your first big check to buy the house he wanted."

"That's an understatement. He sulked all the way through the process. I thought I gave him a wonderful surprise and he acted like I cut his balls off."

"Well?"

"It's a partnership. You still earn more than Howard but he can handle it, right?"

"Well, yeah, but there were some rough spots. But finally he accepted it and we're fine."

"Leonard wanted to call the shots all the time. Every time I got a big role for more money he'd say "This is the last one, right?" as if I had reached some sort of goal and could retire. And after I bought the house he insisted that I couldn't spend any more of the money I earned on us and that we had to live off his paycheck."

"Even after he got fired?"

"For a while we couldn't go out to eat and had to eat Ramen every night. I had three million dollars in the bank and he had me eating Ramen noodles because he had to be the man. But he always made sure that there was wine in the house and he made sure to get me sloshed every night when I got home because the most important thing to Leonard is keeping little Leonard happy."

"Penny, why didn't you let me and Amy know you were that unhappy."

"I didn't think you'd listen. You guys seemed so invested in me and Leonard. Maybe even more than I was. I didn't want you guys making me feel even worse than I did."

"Penny, I'm so sorry."

"Hey, I did it to myself. And it took a while but I finally ended it. And I'm glad I did."

"And then Amy dumped Sheldon."

"See, there's another one telling a story that benefits them and isn't the truth. Amy threw away all of Sheldon's stuff, his comic books, his action figures, his DVDs and games and his toys while he was in Switzerland. When he saw what she did he threw her out."

"Wow. I would never do that to Howie. There's some stuff I'd prefer he got rid of but I'm fine with it being boxed and stored away. And he gets to keep some stuff on display. I mean, I can't build him a whole room like you did."

"Bernie, I have the money and we have the room it makes him happy. Those things are a big part of him. He was so alone for so long and those things were his friends when nobody else would be. Discarding them without another thought would be the same as me discarding you guys. There was no reason for it and Amy was being incredibly disrespectful to Sheldon."

"Yeah, well those things were never part of her plan."

"Yeah her fucking plan to turn Sheldon into the perfect boyfriend/husband. Perfect for her but a nightmare for Sheldon."

"So you haven't spoken to her…"

"Nope. Just like I haven't spoken to Leonard. I just don't see the point. Their happiness is dependant on me and Sheldon being unhappy. Screw that."

"So you and Sheldon?"

"I hope. Eventually. There's no hurry. We've talked about it. We're sort of exclusively not dating."

"But in public?"

"When we can we do public things together and don't really care what people think we are. We love each other. We're there for each other. And at some point…"

"You really think it's going to happen."

"It _is_ going to happen. Ask Sheldon and he'll tell you the same thing."

"Why hasn't it?"

"I can't speak for Sheldon but I know that I don't want Leonard and Amy in the bed with us and I'm still too angry at them to be sure that won't happen."

"You don't have to use a bed."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah."

Just then the doorbell chimed and Nora got out of the pool and checked her iPad.

"Hey guys, there's a woman at the front door dressed like my grandmother. Should I let her in?"

Sheldon and Penny both looked at Nora with alarm.

"Amy!?"

"Sheldon, it's your call."

"I don't want to seem impolite but I really do have nothing to say to her."

"Me neither. Nora, go let her in so she can get whatever it is out of her system. But bring her in through the Hall of Justice. I don't mind twisting the knife a little. And watch out for her bag. She once broke my nose with that damn thing. It weighs a ton. And, oh yeah, wear the t-shirt."

"Very nice touch, Penny."

"Just taking care of my Moonpie"

"Penny…"

"Yeah, yeah, only Meemaw…"

Nora donned her _Moonpie's Harem_ t-shirt and a pair of flip flops and went to answer the door.

Nora opened the front door to find a mousy woman with a rather large shoulder bag standing there. Amy Farrah Fowler immediately saw the _Moonpie's Harem_ t-shirt.

"Are you having coitus with my boyfriend?"

"Excuse me?"

"I am Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler and I've been led to believe that my boyfriend, Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper is currently at this residence. Who are you?"

"My name is Nora Glass and I am in the employ of Dr. Cooper and Ms. Queen. I've been asked to bring you back to the pool."

"The lead on," Amy Farrah Fowler said dismissively.

Nora took an immediate dislike to Amy and took her time bring her to the pool. As Penny had suggested, she made sure to guide her through the Hall of Justice. The room was mostly dark with only the lights in the display cases on. Nora could tell from the expression on the other woman's face that she was not impressed.

As they exited the house and approached the pool Nora saw a look of disgust on the other woman's face.

Penny, Bernadette and Alex had gotten out of the pool and were wearing their own _Moonpie's Harem_ t-shirts and loading plates with food. Sheldon, Howard, Raj and Stuart were seated and eating. Amy Farrah Fowler approached Sheldon.

"Sheldon, I called on you at 2311 North Los Robles and when you didn't answer I went to Stuart's stupid comic book shop and his idiot employee told me I could find you here. I've indulged your behavior long enough. It's time for you to return home."

"I am home, Amy. This is where I live now. With Penny."

"That is unacceptable. You are a Nobel Laureate and you will reside in more respectable surroundings in an academic community."

"Amy Farrah Fowler, I will reside wherever I desire. And as I have terminated our relationship I see no reason for your intrusion today."

"I will not accept your dissolution of our relationship over a bunch of plastic super duper heroes."

"Amy, I don't really care what you can or cannot accept. You are no longer a part of my life."

"So you're going to throw away our years-long relationship to cohabitate with a well-known slut like Penny."

"Excuse me. I demand you retract that statement."

"I've spoken to Leonard. I know that she's been drunkenly whoring all over Hollywood and that's why he threw her out."

"Amy, you should be aware the Leonard's story is as truthful as your own that you ended our relationship. Penny and I both chose to end our relationships. We decided to purchase a home together. And we hope to continue to foster our longstanding friendship into a committed relationship and eventually marriage. The only reasons we have not done so yet are named Leonard Hofstadter and Amy Farrah Fowler and the damage they did to us from which we are still recovering. My relationship with you was a mistake and I regret it."

"You take that back, Sheldon."

"I will not. Discarding my property showed that you have no respect for who I am or what I like. Taking Leonard's word against your supposed "bestie" proves to me that you only care about yourself and what you desire. I was correct in asking you to leave my former abode and I demand you leave my current abode and never return. You are not welcome."

"I refuse to leave without you."

Nora, put her hand firmly on Amy Farrah Fowler's left shoulder.

"Lady, Sheldon says you should leave. Time to go."

Amy glared at Nora. Nora saw what she was preparing to do, released Amy's shoulder and moved toward the pool. The shorter woman spun around swinging her bag which was probably loaded with a coffee can full of loose change. Nora ducked. The force of the swinging bag twisted Amy Farrah Fowler around and threw her off-balance, sending her into the pool.

As the neuroscientist splashed around as if drowning, the crowd was initially alarmed. However, as they realized that she was in the shallow end of the pool they began to laugh. Bernadette and Howard both remembered to take out their phones and record the incident.

"Is nobody going to aid me in exiting the pool?"

Penny walked over to the edge.

"Ya didn't need any help getting in. Ya won't need any getting out. Now go away Amy. Don't bother us again. Maybe you should try hooking up with Leonard. You two kind of deserve each other. I'm sure you know how to reach him at the South Pole. And walk out around the side of the house. It'll take you a little longer but I don't want you tracking water though our house."

Penny then turned around and walked over to Sheldon.

"Did you mean what you said?"

"I always mean what I say, Penny."

"You never mentioned the m-word before."

"I apologize. Did I speak out of turn?"

"Nope."

And that was the moment that Penny and Sheldon actually shared their first romantic kiss.

And it was the last thing Amy Farrah Fowler saw as Nora began pushing her around the side of the house to her car.

Howard approached Penny.

"Penny, There's something you need to know," he said quietly.

And he whispered something in her ear.

"Howard, you're shitting me."

"I'm not. I swear I'm not."

"He's been unemployed for almost two years and he turned down the job?"


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

"_Howard, you're shitting me."_

"_I'm not. I swear I'm not."_

"_He's been unemployed for almost two years and he turned down the job?"_

Sheldon quickly came over to Penny and whispered something in her ear.

"No. I appreciate the thought, sweetie, but I will not allow Leonard or Amy to ruin our day. They've already ruined far too many. Guys, I'm sorry for the floorshow, but we planned this to be an all-day and possibly all-night party. Sheldon and I both have to dive back into work in a couple of days and might not have so much time for you guys or even each other so, let's do what we can now. And it's a three-day weekend so I know you guys don't have work tomorrow. Okay?"

After a short hiatus, Penny's series was going back into production the following Tuesday and Sheldon had a series of lectures scheduled to commence the following week in a variety of locations.

Penny stripped off her _Moonpie's Harem_ t-shirt and dived back into the pool.

Howard, Raj and Stuart shrugged their shoulders and jumped in also.

"You haven't waited an adequate period of time after eating," called Sheldon.

The crowd in the pool called "party pooper" and went back to tossing the beach ball.

A little while later everyone was sitting bay the side of the pool, exhausted from their frivolity.

"If anyone wants to take a nap, the guestrooms are all set up upstairs. There are extra towels and clean t-shirts in the guest bathroom if you want to shower," Penny announced.

Howard and Bernadette took Penny up on her offer, as did, separately, Raj and Stuart. Sheldon took his seat in his pool spot under the big umbrella and Penny joined him. Penny pointed towards Alex and Nora who seemed to be deep in conversation.

"Those two seem to be getting along. I'm surprised."

"Why are you surprised, Penny?"

"Well, Alex is kind of reserved and an academic and Nora is, well, not. Very not."

"Well I could point out the example of the two of us."

"I mean, I don't think there's anything romantic going on there."

"Penny, there isn't exactly anything romantic going on over here either. And by the way, we have no clue as to Nora's or even Alex's preferences for romantic partners."

"Well, we know that Alex was interested in Leonard once upon a time."

"As were you. All that proves is that the two of you shared poor taste in mates at one point. I am unaware of any of Alex's romantic liaisons since that time and Nora has shared none of those details of her life with me. Has she shared any with you?"

"I know she was involved with someone in Portland before she moved here. I always assumed it was a guy."

"Does it disturb you that you have been cavorting sans clothing with someone who could be attracted to you?"

"Pretty sure she isn't. And, by the way, if you're talking about her teasing she does it with you just as much as she does it with me, maybe more."

"Penny, you know that I am blissfully unaware of such things. You've often complained that you could stand in front of me stark naked and I wouldn't get the message. And you have. And it took a very long time until I did."

"Good point. Speaking of messages."

"Yes. The news about Leonard disturbs me also. Did he finally sign the divorce papers?"

"I guess I should call my lawyer. Any idea what his game might be?"

"Whatever Leonard's game might be, we know from past experience that it will benefit him alone and likely harm you and possibly me. We should be on guard."

"Well, we know he can't get anywhere near me at the studio. The guards at the gate have his picture and have for a long time. His impromptu visits to the set were never fun. I think he was probably trying to get me fired."

"That does not surprise me in the least. Hearing him rail about you and your costar, who everyone is aware is gay and in a committed relationship, grew quite tiresome."

"Well, we know how insecure and jealous he can be."

"His mother certainly labeled that accurately. Needy baby, greedy baby indeed."

"Sheldon, I know you've always liked Beverly, but you have to admit that she does deserve some responsibility for that."

"I suppose. But he is an intelligent man. Surely he must recognize these tendencies in himself and wish to correct them."

"Sheldon Cooper, you aren't really the right person to be criticizing someone else's tendencies."

"I believe we are speaking of two very different situations. My routines and habits were developed as a way for me to exist in a world that I did not understand. As time has passed I have tempered things somewhat. And since we have been cohabitating I believe that I may even be considered a hippie at this point. Leonard's tendencies toward jealousy and selfishness that he tends to over-indulge are habits borne of selfishness and avarice and not at all necessary for his survival. In fact, I would point out that they have caused him great harm. And he has never expressed any real desire to address them."

"You're right, sweetie. We've known him for a long time and he's still pretty much exactly the same person he always was. The only difference is he gets laid more often."

"And whose fault is that?"

"I fucked up. I'm sorry."

"Penny, I view all things as a progression. Without the mistake that was Leonard we might never have found each other or been able to see a future together. In a way, I'm grateful to him. You should be also."

"Okay, you're right. Even the sex was occasionally good. Though I really do prefer having real ice cream whenever I want."

"Oh, please don't bring up his dietary restrictions. If I didn't live with Leonard I would likely be a world-class chef by now."

"Wait a friggin' minute! You like to cook?"

"I view meal preparation as an ongoing experiment. I wish to learn how different foods complement each other and the various ways preparation can enhance the dining experience."

"But you've been eating exactly the same take-out food for years."

"Why would I waste my time preparing a meal for an unreceptive audience like Leonard?"

"I was there too. And we ate in my apartment lots of times and I'm a terrible cook."

"You are quite correct on that account. But I was your guest and it is impolite to say such a thing."

"You criticized Priya's cooking."

"I don't like Priya. I love you."

"Excuse me?"

"I believe I said I love you. Should I not have said that at this juncture of our relationship? If so I am sorry."

"No, sweetie. Say it as much as you want. I love you, too."

"Are we required to kiss now?"

"Optional. I think I'm going to head up take a nap myself. How about you, Moonpie?"

"I think not. It would interrupt my REM sleep later tonight. I believe that I may do a bit of work in my office and then organize dinner."

_Later that evening_

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

_Knock. Knock. Knock. Sheldon._

"Come in, Penny."

"Why didn't you wake me up for dinner?"

"The way things developed we didn't really have dinner as such. Nora cleaned up a bit and then Alex came in and they had something to eat and left. Howard and Bernadette came down and ate and then Bernadette went back upstairs to bed. Raj and Stuart then came down and we played in the Hall of Justice for a bit and then they retired. There didn't seem to be any point to waking you. Are you hungry?"

"No, not really. Come over to the window. You need to see something."

Sheldon got out of bed, put on his robe and approached the window.

Nora and Alex were swimming in the pool, naked of course.

"There's definitely something going on with those two."

"Isn't this a bit intrusive, Penny?"

"It's our house."

"They are both our friends."

"Okay, I guess you're right."

"Penny?"

"Yes. Sheldon."

"Was there anything else?"

"I guess not. I should go."

"Would you prefer to stay?"

"I kind of would prefer. I guess the news about Leonard upset me a bit more than I thought it would."

"I admit that Amy's visit upset me also."

"Are we doing the right thing, Sheldon? Living together. Preparing ourselves for something more?"

"Penny, today we both admitted something out loud that we've only hinted at, even to each other. Questioning our resolve to be together is exactly the result that Amy and Leonard desire. We should not satisfy them."

"You're right. Sheldon?"

"Yes, Penny."

"Can I stay here with you tonight? Just to sleep."

"I have no objection to that."


	8. Chapter 8

**8**

_Monday_

The group gathered late the next morning for a brunch that Nora and Sheldon prepared. There was a little whispering which prompted Penny to speak up.

"Okay, what's up?"

"We're kind of wondering what you're going to do about Leonard."

"Okay, I'm not really sure I need to do anything. Leonard didn't have to accept that job. I don't know how he's going to survive without it but that's on him. I was nice enough to give him his damn hobbit house and I was only going to maintain it while he was gone. Since he isn't leaving I'm going to contact my lawyer and cancel those arrangements. I'm also going to make sure he signed our divorce papers. And I guess I'll let my publicist put out the story about me divorcing him. There's no sense letting him control the narrative. Beyond that I don't plan to have any dealings with him."

"Nor do I. Leonard Hofstadter is, quite simply, no longer a part of our lives, much like Amy Farrah Fowler. You all, however, are quite welcome to make your own choices and we will not judge you. However, the two of them are not welcome to visit our home and we would prefer to be apprised if they will be present at any social gatherings to which you invite us."

"Leonard is _person non grata _at CalTech since they fired him. Dealing with him at all could affect my academic and professional standing. Plus, he's kind of acted like a douche for a long time. And I hardly interacted with Amy at all except at Girl's Nights. Are we going to be able to do those again, Penny?"

"Sure, Raj, but no Amy and Nora and Alex are welcome if they like."

"Well, I for one am going to enjoy Girls' Night without Amy making creepy Lesbian remarks about Penny."

Nora's interest seemed piqued.

"Excuse me?"

"The way the Amy talked about me those nights it seemed like she was a lot more interested in me romantically than she was Sheldon. She was always looking for excuses to get us all naked and she even made out with me once."

"Penny, it's really not that hard to get you naked."

"Gee, thanks, Nora. Yeah, well, I didn't want to do it for her. That's for sure."

"Um, I want to hear more about getting Penny naked."

"Howie!"

"One need only come for Nora and Penny's afternoon swim."

"Sheldon!"

"Sheldon keeps mentioning that you and Nora constantly walk about _au natural_."

"Sheldon is exaggerating. Nora and I have gone swimming without suits and tanned topless a couple of times. That's it."

"Well, if every afternoon at three qualifies as a couple of times and if completely naked qualifies as topless than I stand corrected."

"Sheldon, Do we need to have a little discussion about what we discuss with our friends and what we don't discuss at all?"

"No."

"And if someone brings the subject up again he runs the risk of never seeing anyone naked again except possibly Amy Farrah Fowler."

"Penny, I'll behave."

"Good."

After the guests all filtered out and Sheldon repaired to his office, Penny cornered Nora.

"So, you and Alex?"

"What?"

"C'mon Nora, spill."

"I dunno, it just sort of happened."

"Exactly what sort of happened?"

"We were talking and getting to know each other and then we were kissing in the pool house. I'm not even sure who started it."

"But you liked it."

"What's not to like? She's really cute and she's a nice person and she's a really good kisser and, um, other stuff."

"And you know about other stuff?"

"Okay, we kinda never had this talk and I knew that we would eventually. When I'm attracted to someone I'm not exactly specific."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I don't check the plumbing. I like girls and I like guys and I like who I like."

"So you're bisexual."

"I'm not into labels. But if you have a problem…"

"I don't. Not at all. It's just that you and I been walking around naked."

"And you're wondering…"

"Just a little…"

"Am I just a little attracted to you? Yeah. But you're straight and I don't have an agenda. I like you a lot and I also like Sheldon a lot and I like working for you guys. I have no intention of screwing that up. And I used that word on purpose. To be honest, I'm a little bothered by this conversation."

"I really didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. Really. And I'm not as straight as you think. Back when I was with this guy Kurt, before I even met Sheldon, he was kind of into the occasional threesome, always two girls and him. I was uncomfortable with it but I thought I was in love and I thought that would make him happy so I went along."

"Not exactly the same thing."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'm kind of sorry I brought it up at all."

"Listen. I really don't want this to get in the way. If you think it will…"

"I promise it won't. I'd really like us, all of us, to be able to speak freely about stuff and to keep acting exactly the same way we have been, with the two of us teasing each other and teasing Sheldon. Having you here is really helping things between him and me. I mean it."

"Well, you guys love each other. And you're in love with each other. And anything I can do to help out with that I'll do, up to and including dragging the two of you into bed with me."

"I knew it!" Penny shouted with a big smile on her face.

"For fun. And to help. I would never put myself between you two unless that's where you want me."

"Nora."

"You see, Penny, what you're really done is open yourself and Sheldon up to a whole new level of teasing. And I am just the girl to do it."


	9. Chapter 9

**9**

_Tuesday_

Sheldon was reorganizing the Hall of Justice according to power output when Penny walked in looking worried.

"Sheldon, we have a problem."

"What's wrong, Penny?"

"I just spoke to my lawyer. Leonard is refusing to sign the divorce papers. And he's contesting our pre-nup."

"To be honest, I'm not terribly surprised. It would be quite unlike Leonard to surrender an opportunity to control your actions."

"Excuse me."

"Though I prefer to not discuss your misbegotten relationship and subsequent marriage to him, you must admit that from the moment the two of you met in the hallway Leonard has sought to manipulate you, first into his bed, then into a relationship twice and finally into marriage. At each and every turn I advised you against it."

"At one point you asked me not to break up with him and hurt him."

"I believe at the time I was involved in my own lapse of judgment. Nothing I did or said at that time should count."

"And that doesn't apply to me?"

"Alright. It seems we both made our mistakes. What does your lawyer believe is going on?"

"He thinks it's about money. That Leonard wants to be paid off."

"Since he has no means of support nor, it seems, desire to work, that seems to be a reasonable conclusion. What does your lawyer advise?"

"That I meet with Leonard and negotiate a settlement."

"I would like to be present."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive. You should not be alone with him and the lawyers. I also may have something to contribute after I discuss the matter with your attorney and management. Will that be acceptable to you?"

"Okay. What exactly do you have up your sleeve, Dr. Cooper?"

"I prefer to hold my tongue until after I have discussed the matter with those charged with maintaining your career. Please trust me, Penny."

"You know that I do."

_At Leonard Hofstadter's Fortress of Denial_

"Hello, Amy. Welcome to my abode, such as it is."

"Hello, Leonard. Thank you for inviting me. Penny never would, though I begged her to include me in her activities."

"Ever since Penny started appearing on that show she got more and more selfish. She wanted to spend time rehearsing and with her co-stars and go to award shows and premieres and the like. She never wanted to spend time with me, her husband, or take care of me or even consider starting the family that she knew we wanted."

"I'm aware from your Facebook page that she has become quite self-centered. And now she has dragged my Sheldon and the rest of our friends into her silly, meaningless life."

"What do you mean, Amy? She's completely cut me off. She blocked me from her Facebook page. All I can access is her Instagram account and that's mostly pictures of food. I assumed from what I read in the newspapers that she's finally screwing her co-star."

"You are likely correct on that account, Leonard. We both know that Penny has a difficult time keeping it in her pants. However, she has also coerced Sheldon into leaving 2311 North Los Robles and he is now living in her ostentatious new mansion with her."

"That's silly. Sheldon has no desire to live that kind of lifestyle. He never has."

"Well, I thought so too. But I paid a surprise visit the other day and I was shocked at what I found."

"What did you find, Amy?"

"First, all of our friends were there gallivanting about in various stages of undress, some in bathing suits and some wearing nothing but t-shirts. And do you know what those t-shirts said?"

"What?"

"They were labeled _Moonpie's Harem_. As if Sheldon's grandmother would ever endorse such a thing. And what's more, they've hired an Amazon to service the two of them."

"I don't understand."

"When I rang the bell of their gigantic house a woman answered the door in nothing but a t-shirt and demanded to know my business. She then guided me through a museum of stupidity to their pool. She was identified as their employee Nora. I can only guess what she is employed to do for the both of them. It is show business after all."

"I can't understand why Sheldon would want to live in such a place."

"Apparently Penny has convinced Sheldon that his future lies in her bed."

"He'll find that her attention span is very short."

"I assumed that she was happy with you, Leonard."

"She was. No other man she's ever been with could satisfy her as quickly as I could, in less than nine minutes. From the moment we started dating I was able to satisfy her. Within minutes after we started making love Penny would be screaming in ecstasy. Sometimes multiple times depending on whether my asthma was acting up."

"I still don't understand how Penny could be so successful as an actress. She has little talent beyond the bedroom."

"It's an accident. We both know she isn't that talented. She should learn to accept her limitations like I have. I'm a short, myopic, lactose intolerant sub-genius. I've accepted my role in life. Penny is supposed to make me happy. She should accept that. She will accept that."

"I don't understand, Leonard."

"I'm not allowing her to divorce me. And, if she tries, I'm going to take all of her money. I found a lawyer who guaranteed me that he can get it all if he gets to keep half."

"Are you sure, Leonard?"

"Penny doesn't have to work, Amy. I have this house. And besides, after the divorce I'll have all her money. Every bit of it and she'll have to come come begging to me. And once I have Penny back, you'll be able to get Sheldon. And besides, I have something that will destroy Penny's career. That's my trump card."

"What's that, Leonard?"

"I can't say. And I'm not going to use it unless I have to."

_A/N: Hi folks. I just received a visit from a serial harasser over at one of my other stories. As I've said before, when I receive these visits I block, report and expose. If you are of a like mind, I would appreciate your reporting this Zarneckie also: _**SheldonH8tsShenny2**, id: **5456461**. _I've reported the last three incarnations of this idiot and I will continue to do so. This jerk just plain doesn't understand what fan fiction is and prefers to heap abuse on people enjoying themselves in a creative endeavor. Let's continue to make that inconvenient for him/her._


	10. Chapter 10

**10**

"Hello Dr. Cooper."

"Dr. Gabelhauser. To what do I owe the pleasure of this telephone call?"

"First I wished to call and confirm all of the arrangements for your lecture tour next week and reiterate how much the university appreciates your doing this on such short notice."

"I'm happy to do it as I told you last week and you could have confirmed the arrangements via email. I suspect that there is another reason for your call."

"Ah, you see right through me. We are having a bit of an issue with an acquaintance of yours."

"Indeed? Who?"

"A Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler has been camped outside your office for the past three days and refuses to leave until she speaks with you."

"I spoke with Dr. Fowler this past Sunday and informed her that we had nothing to speak about and that I did not wish to see her."

"I see. We were concerned that any action we took against her could be misinterpreted by you."

"Dr. Gabelhauser, you may treat Dr. Fowler as you would any trespasser on the CalTech campus that refuses to leave. If you wish me to send you an email to that effect I will be more than happy to. At this point Dr. Fowler's continued attention to me and my friends comes quite close to harassment. If the university wishes to pursue legal action I will support that decision."

"Thank you, Dr. Cooper."

"You realize, Dr. Gabelhauser, that the university need not provide me with an office at all. That could also solve the problem."

"Dr. Cooper, you are a Nobel Prize recipient with a strong ongoing relationship with this university. Providing you an office and an assistant is the least that we can do."

"And I will remain satisfied as long as that assistant is also made available to Drs. Koothrapali and Jensen. Now, shall I send you that email?"

"It's not necessary. I will have security escort her from the building and inform her that she is barred from the campus unless she has specific pre-arranged business here."

"Thank you, Dr. Gabelhauser. May I ask a favor?"

"Of course."

"Could you send me a copy of the security tapes of Dr. Fowler being escorted out? I might find it entertaining."

"I can do better. I'll arrange for one of our media people to tape it. You'll have a copy by this evening."

"Thank you very much."

_Outside Dr. Sheldon Cooper's office_

Two CalTech security guards approached Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler who stood in front of the door to Sheldon's office. They were followed closely by a CalTech Media Department rep with a video camera.

"Dr. Fowler, we have been instructed to remove you from the campus."

"I am here to see my boyfriend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper."

"The instructions came from Dr. Gabelhauser, head of the department and Dr. Cooper."

"I demand to speak with them."

"Sorry. The have both expressly requested that you be removed from the CalTech campus. You are welcome to contact them via email or telephone at some later time. For now please come with us."

"Why is that person filming this?"

"We were told that it was at Dr. Cooper's request. That's all."

"You have not seen the last of me."

"Dr. Cooper actually provided an answer in the event you used those exact words. He said. And I quote _I would much prefer never to have seen the first of you_ unquote. Now please come along, Dr. Fowler. We would prefer not to have to bring the outside authorities into this."


	11. Chapter 11

**11**

Nora arrived at the Physics Building just in time to see Amy Farrah Fowler being escorted out.

"What are you doing here?" Amy spat venomously.

"None of your business. But I can see that you're so very welcome everywhere you go," Nora responded sarcastically, and then approached the Media Rep.

"Can you point me toward Dr. Alex Jensen's office?"

"Sure. Down the hall. Two lefts. Then a right. If you hit the cafeteria you've gone too far. Number 219."

"Thanks."

Nora chuckled as Amy was led away. She followed the directions and soon found herself at Alex Jensen's door."

Knock. Knock.

"Come on in."

Nora opened the door saw Alex scribbling something on a whiteboard across the room. She immediately marched over, twisted her around and gave her a big kiss.

"Um. Nice to see you too."

"Sheldon and Penny needed some alone time so I thought I'd surprise you."

"Liking the surprise."

"You know, Penny told me that she and Leonard used to have sex here all the time."

"I'm not Leonard, Nora. I actually want to keep my job."

"So no sex at the office?"

"Well, certainly not with the door open… Um, hi Raj."

"Hello, Alex. Hello, Nora. How nice to see you again. I apologize if I'm interrupting something."

"You aren't interrupting, Raj. Nora was just saying hello."

"I wouldn't mind having a friend who said hello so nicely."

"Raj, we're not exactly just friends. Right, Nora?"

"We're not?"

"Nora, you're only used to being around Sheldon and Penny and not the whole group so much."

"Indeed, Nora. One might say we have big mouths. We all knew by Monday evening that there was something going on with you and Alex."

"We could have just been hooking up."

"I've known Alex for a few years now. She doesn't _hook up_. Do you?"

"Well, not typically. But if I got offers from people as beautiful as Nora I could change."

"Not entirely sure how to take that. But how do you know I'm not the kind of person who just sees what she wants, goes after it and moves on?"

"Are you?" asked Alex.

"Yes and no."

"So were we just hooking up the other day?"

"No. Absolutely not. Uh uh."

"I sense I should depart."

"Raj, please close the door on your way out."


	12. Chapter 12

**12**

_Back at the house, out by the pool_

"Penny, you shouldn't be overly concerned about the meeting with Leonard tomorrow."

"Why? There's a chance that he might never divorce me. There's even a chance that he might own half of everything I get for the rest of my life."

"Though I agree that possibility, however remote, may well exist, I believe it to be unlikely. I believe that Leonard will leave tomorrow's meeting with less than he now has."

"I don't understand."

"Penny, you understand that before we became whatever it is we are now you were my dear friend."

"Just like you were mine, despite that little weasel doing whatever he could to keep us apart."

"Penny, Leonard was determined to be the only relationship that you had. His petty jealousies extended far beyond me. He was afraid of every actor you worked with and some of the actresses also. He assumed that every part you were awarded came with an implicit promise of coitus with the producer or director. He was terrified of the wardrobe people who saw you unclothed, the hair people who touched your hair and the makeup people who felt your skin. Leonard Hofstadter is a massive pile of insecurities and will only be mollified once you are no longer working and trapped in his home with his progeny. And then he would be jealous of them. Yet at the very same time he will be led around by his own penis seeking pleasure with every woman who looks in his direction."

"And this is supposed to make me feel better?"

"No. You made a years-long stupid error."

"Gee, thanks."

"As did I. I accepted a relationship with Amy Farrah Fowler partly because it was the social convention and partly because I believed she was the only person who could accept me as I was."

"Yeah, talk about errors in judgment."

"Indeed. Amy had no actual patience for who I was. She was enamored with who she believed she could remake me into."

"Yeah. And we all helped her."

"Though you were complicit in fostering the relationship I was the one who accepted Amy's constant manipulation and overlooked her distaste for all the things that I truly enjoyed. I was under the mistaken impression that I could change her when in fact I was no more than a six foot five monkey subjected to her experimentation."

"It's kind of funny that we both came to our realizations at the same time. Sort of the first time in years that we found ourselves single at the same time."

"And I intend it to be the last. Penny, I have always been concerned for your wellbeing. I never trusted Leonard to provide you the life you deserved. And, to be honest, just as I always expected your relationship to fail, I was certain your marriage would also."

"So why didn't you say anything?"

"Penny, please think back. I said it almost constantly from the start. I said it to Leonard and to you. I can list dates and times and instances if you so desire."

"No, you're right. You never thought a blond monkey like me belonged with someone as smart as Leonard."

"Not at all. I never believed someone as open and loving as you belonged with someone as emotionally and socially dysfunctional as Leonard. Over the years you changed, and not necessarily for the better. Leonard never changed one iota. He is the same man who blew up the elevator so long ago. He will never change. He believes that all he requires is the appropriate decoration to show others that he is better than they. You were that decoration. And, in time, when you were too busy with his lactose intolerant progeny to be his symbol of superiority he would seek another. That is who he is."

"I guess you're right."

"Of course. And now he intends to either win you back legally or force you to fund whatever lifestyle he wishes to pursue. I intend to make sure he does neither."

"How?"

"Penny, I have always been concerned with your wellbeing. Knowing that your marriage to Leonard would end sooner or later I made certain legal preparations. I believe that you will very much enjoy tomorrow's proceedings."

"And then?"

"What happens then will be a surprise. However, please know that I am completely devoted to you and will be for the rest of my life. I love you, Penny."

"And I love you and I'm devoted to you too, Sheldon."

"So I suggest that you don the sexiest business-appropriate clothing you have tomorrow so that you can show Leonard what he will never, ever have again."

"Sounds good. What now?"

"Nora will be away for the entire evening. Perhaps it is time we took that swim you've been inviting me to take."


	13. Chapter 13

**13**

Penny and Sheldon were the first to arrive at her lawyer's office. Penny had decided to follow Howard's admonition to overwhelm Leonard's offensive with shock and awe. To that end, Penny would be joined not only by her team of attorneys and Sheldon, but her manager, her business manager, her publicist and, just for fun, her hair and makeup team. While Penny's team prepared her for the meeting, Sheldon met with her attorney to confirm that the materials he brought with him were germane to the situation and fully executable. They exited her attorney's office smiling and met Penny in the conference room. The conference room had a large table in it. Penny's team filled fourteen seats on one side. They left two seats on the other side for Leonard and his attorney.

When Leonard arrived Penny was surprised to see that instead of wearing one of the expensive suits she had purchased for him, he had decided to go with his old corduroy suit, which she was pretty sure she had thrown in the garbage. Her lawyer whispered to her "He's trying to look poor and needy so we feel sorry for him." Penny whispered back "Needy is Leonard's default setting."

Leonard's lawyer didn't look much better, decked out in wall-to-wall polyester.

Penny's attorney began.

"Welcome to our offices. I understand you wish to re-address some agreements that were previously reached."

"We do. I am Charles Lavallier and my client, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, maintains that he supported his wife, Mrs. Penny Hofstadter, from a time previous to their marriage up until very recently and because of that deserves at least 50% of her earnings to date, as well as a significant percentage of future earnings due to his ongoing support of her burgeoning career, a career that she would not have but for his support."

"You're freaking kidding me" Penny opined.

"In addition, my client would like to object to the presence here of Dr. Sheldon Cooper, who is currently co-habiting with his wife and is reputed to be carrying on an extra-marital affair with her."

"Thank you, Mr. Lavallier. I am Ms. Penny Queen's attorney Burton Hungadunga. I'm wondering why you feel that contracts that your client signed prior to his marriage no longer apply."

"Sir, we believe that those contracts were signed under duress and that Dr. Hofstadter was ignorant of Mrs. Hofstadter's earning potential at that time. We believe that it is only fair that the arrangement be set aside and a more equitable arrangement be determined."

"Allowing for that possibility, at what point did Dr. Hofstadter become aware that the arrangement may have been inequitable."

Leonard whispered to Lavallier.

"Shortly after the wedding."

"Can you provide an exact time frame?"

Leonard whispered again.

"Just after she got the ongoing role on her television program."

"According to our records that would be approximately three months after they got married."

Leonard nodded triumphantly.

"We will stipulate to that."

Hungadunga whispered to Penny. Penny whispered back.

"Based upon this information, and in an effort to be fair, Ms. Queen has instructed me to set aside the pre-nuptial agreement."

Leonard and his attorney high fived each other.

"Mr. Lavallier, we do have some questions."

"Sure."

"Where did Mr. and Mrs. Hofstadter reside three months after they were married?"

More whispering.

"2311 North Los Robles Avenue Apartment 4A in Pasadena, California."

"And you would agree that at that point your client was fully aware of Ms. Queen's earning potential."

"Yes I was," Leonard retorted.

"And once you were fully aware of Ms. Queen's earning potential, how much longer did you reside at that address?"

"We were there for another four months, at which time we bought a house where I am currently living since Mrs. Hofstadter left me."

"Thank you Dr. Hofstafdter. I'd like to turn the floor over to Dr. Sheldon Cooper who has pertinent information to add."

Penny turned to Sheldon questioningly.

"What's going on, Sheldon?"

"Don't worry, Penny. As I told you I expected this behavior and I made appropriate arrangements."

Leonard stood up. "I object to his participation in these proceedings. He has got nothing to do with this and he's trying to steal my wife from me."

"Excuse me, Dr. Hofstadter, but this is a negotiation, not a formal proceeding. Anyone with pertinent information is allowed to participate. I have examined the materials that Dr. Cooper has and I find them quite pertinent."

"Thank you Mr. Hungadunga." Sheldon pulled a bound sheaf of documents from his briefcase."

"Do you recognize this, Dr. Hofstadter?"

"Not the Roommate Agreement," Leonard whined.

"Actually this is not the Roommate Agreement. This is the Roommate Dissolution Agreement. Do you recall it?"

"Yeah, that's the silly document you made me and Penny sign so we could move out of your apartment and into our new house."

"Correct. And would you agree that you both signed this seven months after you got married?"

"Yeah."

"And four months after you had become aware of Ms. Queen's earning potential?"

"Yeah. So what."

"Did I not insist that the signatures be witnessed by a notary public?"

"Yeah, and I still don't understand why you didn't notarize hem yourself."

"I will repeat what I said then. I cannot notarize an agreement to which I am a signatory. That is why I requested my personal attorney, and your former girlfriend, Priya Koothrapali, author the documents and arrange for a notary public to witness their signing."

"I figured you did that just to embarrass me."

"That was merely a bonus. Ms. Koothrapali is a fine attorney and her previous actions on your behalf convinced me that she could assemble an ironclad agreement. I would like to point out Appendix 6. Here, you can use this copy. I recall exactly what it says."

"Wait a frackin' minute. Why is there a Nuptial/Post-Nuptial Agreement in the middle of the Roommate Dissolution Agreement?"

"It's there because I didn't trust you Leonard. It's there because Penny is my friend. And if you had not attempted to steal her hard-earned money from her as you are doing now, you would never have known of it. However, I would like you to identify the signatures at the bottom."

"There's mine. And yours. And Penny's. An there is the notary seal with the notary's signature."

"Mr. Hungadunga has determined that this is a legal, binding and fully executable document. I would like to point out some of its provisions. One, all product created prior to, during, and post-marriage by Penny Queen Hofstadter is fully owned by Penny Queen Hofstadter. Two, sale of any items owned by Penny Queen Hofstadter by Leonard Hofstadter is to be reimbursed to her at a rate of 125%. Three, any items Leonard Hofstadter is unable to provide proof of ownership for revert to Penny Queen Hofstadter. There are a number of other provisions but I believe you get the gist, Leonard. After so many years living with me you never, ever bothered to read anything I put in front of you for your signature. Your laziness is your undoing."

Leonard whispered to his attorney, who kept nodding no.

"Alright, Mr. Lavallier no longer represents me. I will represent myself."

"Dr. Hofstadther, I would like to offer you the opportunity to leave and point out that the deed to your home is still in the safe in my office."

"She said the house is mine."

"Leonard, I'm perfectly willing to stand by what I said as long as you get up and walk out that door and never bother me or Sheldon again."

"Sorry, but I can't do that. I refuse to leave empty-handed. Penny, I have pictures of you that I am sure the network would prefer not be released to the public. They could ruin your career."

"Dr. Hofstadter, are you certain you wish to attempt to blackmail my client in front of all of these witnesses. Additionally, what you are threatening to do is a crime in the state of California."

"Well, then I'll just sell them."

"Leonard, since Penny has control of her image those pictures belong to her and any sale of them would in fact cost you money. Additionally, Penny's publicist, who is sitting right over there, is I am quite certain at this very moment preparing a press release stating that Penny Queen's estranged husband is attempting to blackmail her using stolen photographs. That information will be circulated before you even leave this office making any attempt to sell or purchase the photographs a crime."

"But…but…but…"

"Checkmate, Leonard."

"Leonard, you could have had the house. You could have had a job that gave you a chance to rebuild your career. Mr. Hungadunga, please proceed."

"Dr. Hofstadter, you will remove yourself from the house Ms. Queen purchased. We are dispatching security personnel to ensure that no property belonging to Ms. Queen is removed. As we speak Mr. Howard Wolowitz is examining your computers and removing any and all images of Ms. Queen and any documentation referring to her."

"And you will also turn over all physical copies of those photographs."

"Thank you, Sheldon."

Leonard Hofstadter slumped back in his chair, defeated.

"It's not fair. It's just not fair. I can't get a break."

"I'm sorry, Leonard, but you have had ample opportunities to lead a very successful and happy life. You had a career. You had a beautiful wife. But you wanted more and it had to be on your selfish terms. Now you have nothing. And nothing is what you deserve. You may wish to contact Amy Farrah Fowler. I believe she has a couch you may sleep on. The two of you will then be free to obsess over each other which somehow seems appropriate."

Hungdunga approached Leonard with papers.

"Dr. Hofstadter, you will sign these divorce documents before you leave these offices. If you refuse we will take you to court and reveal your efforts to blackmail Ms. Queen both in court and to the media. Ms. Queen is quite popular and loved by her fans. You will be presented as a blackmailing, traitorous slimeball. Do you care to predict what the results will be. You have very little left. You could lose that also."

Leonard signed the papers and arrogantly strode to the conference room door. The last thing he saw on his way out was Penny and Sheldon passionately kissing each other.


	14. Chapter 14

**14**

As the meeting concluded Penny and Sheldon invited their supporters to lunch at, of course, The Cheesecake Factory. As they left the conference room they ran into Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Sheldon, now that Penny is returning to her home and marriage with Leonard I expect that you will be returning to our relationship. To show that I have no hard feelings I have brought you some children's space toys as a gesture."

Sheldon looked at the items that Amy was handing him, marked-down action figures of John Sheridan and Michael Garibaldi from _Babylon 5_.

Penny looked at the action figures and then at Sheldon.

"Okay if I take care of this, sweetie."

"If you like, Penny."

"Amy, you are very much mistaken about what just happened in there. Leonard and I are not reconciling. Our divorce papers are signed. In addition, he is leaving with less than he walked in with since I'm not going to give him the house, mainly because of the way he's behaved. So you may need to make room on your couch for him because he sure as hell won't be staying with us. As for you, I'm going to try to tell you this as clearly as I possibly can. Sheldon is not your boyfriend any more. He will never be your boyfriend again."

"But Sheldon, I brought you toys."

"Amy, if you had ever paid a bit of attention to what Sheldon actually likes and dislikes you'd have discovered that he doesn't like every bloody show or movie that takes place in space. He particularly doesn't like _Babylon 5_. He considers it inferior in terms of story, dialogue and universe. So please, do yourself a favor and move the fuck on. Sheldon and I love each other and intend to see our relationship through. And we expect to be happy together. And that happiness will be ensured if we never, ever see you again. I'm sorry but goodbye. And if we do see you again we will be forced to pursue legal measures."

"And Amy, if you even look you're about to swing your damn bag again I will call the cops. Right after I "accidentally" bounce you down a flight of stairs. Now go away and fuck with your monkeys. Or Leonard. Same damn thing."

"But Sheldon, we're supposed to be together."

"No, Amy, we are not. I am supposed to be with Penny. I know it and she knows it and everyone who is truly our friend knows it. The only two people in the world who seem unable to accept it are you and Leonard Hofstadter and the reason for that is that you are both selfishly and hopelessly deluded. I suggest that you find professional and possibly medicinal help to deal with that because your delusions are not healthy. Penny and I are happy and we intend to stay that way. We are devoted to each other's health and happiness and growth. Get used to the idea because our children will rule the world."

"Yup. They sure as hell will," added Penny as she leaned up to kiss Sheldon.

Penny and Sheldon turned and walked off into their future together.

_A/N: Okay, that's it for this one, another story that started as a one-shot but demanded to be longer. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for reviewing and favoriting. And thanks for following me. I deeply appreciate it. I'm closing in on the conclusion to "After the Dance" and after three months have finally figured out the problem with "The Slipped Conjugation" and will be effecting the appropriate repairs and start posting when I'm done. There are a few other stories floating around my head including a murder mystery so I don't think I'll be disappearing from here anytime soon. Any gaps between posts can be explained by Real Life concerns like employment and habitation that must be dealt with._


End file.
